Don't let rejection get the best of you. Instead, get the best of rejection by using it to strengthen your goals.
It's school application season. That means it's also a season full of rejection, self-doubt, and anxiety. As a tutor, I frequently see students getting bogged down with frustration by their own inner monologue of criticism. When the tension gets too high, even small things like hearing that another classmate has already completed the homework assignment, or seeing another student finish first on a test can leave students feeling dejected. Moreover, in the current age of technology, even things like a close friend not liking a picture posted on social media can result in a monumental sense of rejection. However, as we mature and move on to bigger things, we must learn to accept and grow with rejection if we hope to succeed in life.
Rejection hurts because it activates the same areas of our brain as when we experience physical pain. Therefore, it is common for us to react poorly to rejection. Often, I see students react by attacking the source of the rejection, withdrawing from perceived opportunities for rejection, or even becoming more critical of themselves and overcorrecting for their perceived faults. For students applying to schools, this often translates to badmouthing a school after receiving a rejection letter, not applying to good schools within their academic reach due to fear of failure, or developing a huge chip on their shoulder because they feel like students from that school are better than them later on in life. With this in mind, here’s a few tips on how to get past rejection.
1. Develop a "growth mindset."
Very rarely do I see students have a positive reaction to rejection. Yet, this is exactly what needs to happen if they wish to grow and continue to develop. In fact, rejection should be viewed as a blessing in disguise. As my mother would put it: "find the silver lining." Another way to describe having a “growth mindset” is having a “solution-oriented mindset” because the purpose in either case is to focus on growing stronger from the situation by finding a better way to achieve your end goal.
The important thing to do in this step is to get past the blame stage. How frequently have you pointed the finger at someone else or had the finger pointed at you when a road bump happened? Observe the difference between following two dialogues:
Conversation 1
Parent: “You wouldn’t have a bad grade if you had done your homework!”
Timmy: “Yeah? Well you didn’t help me with it!”
Parent: “I had to work!”
Timmy: “You don’t care about me!”
Conversation 2
Timmy: “I’m late to soccer practice!”
Parent: “I’m sorry, how do you want to make it better?”
Timmy: “It’s okay, I’ll put my gear on in the car now and maybe I can even start stretching if I’m careful.”
Parent: “Great idea! I’ll drop you off as close to the field as I can so you can get a running start. Go get ‘em honey!”
In Conversation 1, the conflict escalated between Timmy and the parent as they blamed each other for the situation. Both people felt that the other person should take responsibility for the outcome of the bad grade. As a result, they became stuck in a blame-game cycle because neither wanted to admit nor accept their part the situation. This left both people feeling unsatisfied and alone as they focused on their own individual needs.
In Conversation 2, however, Timmy identified the problem and the parent prompted him to get into a growth mindset by asking him to find a solution to the problem. This helped Timmy focus away from the problem, and instead, more immediately start to address the solution. Then, seeing that Timmy found a way to mitigate the damage of being late, the parent was inspired to also work with him to achieve a better outcome. As a result, both people worked as a team to resolve the situation.
2. Label negative emotions to get a reality check.
As a tutor, I’ve witness so many conflicts that it’s hard to choose which example to give. One of my favorite situations that I often reflect on when thinking about the importance of achieving a growth mindset is a time when a student missed an application deadline because he was waiting to meet with his school counselor before he submitted his work. Unfortunately, due to a combination of the counselor’s overflowing schedule and a poorly-timed snow day, the student’s meeting with his counselor was delayed for about 2 weeks.
Just before he was scheduled for his make-up meeting with his counselor, the student and I met to build a monthly plan for his upcoming schedule. During this process, he realized that the deadline for his application had actually already passed. Since this was for a project that he really cared about, the student immediately became very upset and shouted that the counselor should have been more aware of the deadlines, and knowing that he needed her help, should have prioritized meeting with him. In other words, the student blamed his counselor for the situation.
Since I was with him when this occurred, my first reaction was that I needed to help him calm down. As a growing teenager, their angry can be quite intimidating sometimes. Therefore, I realized that I needed to label his emotions. Research shows that the analytical side of our brain can be used to stop our emotions if it is activated in the right way. Specifically, if you label the emotion you are feeling, your brain is likely to start thinking about the emotion, thus moving your focus away from just feeling it. A good way to label someone’s emotions is by simply commenting on the emotions that you’re observing. In this case, the student was angry, so I said: “I can see that you’re frustrated about not being to apply anymore, but being angry isn’t going to move the deadline.” In response, he replied: “Yeah, I am pissed. This absolutely sucks.”
The effect of labeling is not meant to create a 180-degree change, rather its effect is gradual as it decreases the force of the emotions. Once this happened, the student realized how he was behaving and started to calm down. At this point, I was able to ask him what he wanted to do about the situation. After some exaggerated statements about fanciful things he wanted to happen to the counselor, he was able to check back into reality and consider realistic options and next steps.
When I next met with the student, I learned that his counselor had helped him apply for another summer program and that he was no longer upset about the original missed deadline. It was interesting to hear that the student had not accused his counselor of not caring and being bad at her job. Instead, he had approached his counselor with a growth mindset and had asked her to help him identify his options. He said that although he had wanted to tell her how much “she sucked” – and it was really hard for him not to – he realized after our conversation in our last session that it wouldn’t have helped and probably would have just made them enemies in the school. Therefore, instead of placing blame and creating bad blood between them, the student chose to look for a way to improve his situation. You can only imagine how proud I was.
3. Plan for rejection.
While silver-linings are great, overcoming rejection can still be hard. The key is to establish a game plan to face rejection. Since rejection is and always will be part of our life, simply planning for it can save us from unnecessary amounts of self-inflicted damage. In other words, by having a predetermined strategy to combat rejection, you create a routine reaction to roadblocks and limit the time wasted on processing your negative emotions, allowing you to conserve your valuable energy to focus on your next step.
The first step in creating routine reactions, is to identity the type of rejection. Is the rejection personal? Is it based off a number of set criteria? Is it final? By understanding the cause for and status of the rejection, you can more accurately choose an appropriate strategy to move yourself into the line of success. Here are a few tactical approaches to rejection based on its category:
Rejection from Schools
Getting rejected from schools can feel disappointing and unfair, especially when you had your heart set on that school. The first step is to outline why you liked that school. For example, were you drawn to it because you liked the school culture, the location, or the tuition rates? Maybe you were excited because someone else you know is going there?
Once you point out the reasons you liked the school, look at some of your other school options. Do any of them have similar traits? If they do, then great! You now have another option to look forward to. If not, then work to outline some of the positive characteristics about the other schools. You might find that there's a really cool professor who is focused on some interesting research. Or, perhaps another school's geographical location presents unique opportunities for recreational activities such as cool ski routes.
The key is to remember to keep moving forward. When one door closes, another window opens. The exciting part about life is that you never know how it's going to turn out. You never know who or what might be around the corner. I have a friend who became an amazing actress simply because she was told that her math skills weren't good enough to pursue a degree in science.
Finally, if you encounter absolute rejection, such as not getting into a single school (including your backup school), take a moment to regroup and plot out your next course of action. Are you going to take a year off to study some more, get a better test score, and then reapply? Do you want to try going to a community college for a year (and save some tuition!) and then transfer into another university program? Or, do you want to take some time off and get a job? Each plan has its own set of merits and will ultimately help you craft a more compelling story of who you are. No matter how bleak a situation seems at first, remember, you always have options.
Rejection from Tryouts
Extracurricular activities like sports, theatre, and music etc., are all great ways to enrich your life at school. However, they can also come with drawbacks in terms of your self-esteem, especially when you get to more sophistical levels and begin to compete for limited spots.
In these situations, progressing to more talented positions involves risk, courage, and effort. It isn't easy to stand up and admit that you want something, it's even harder when you admit you want it and fail to get it. Rejection from tryouts, whether it's for the quarterback position, the lead in the school play, or the second chair in violin, can feel incredibly devastating, not to mention embarrassing.
I often see students fail before they start simply because they don’t try for the position. For example, I once had a student show sudden apathy for piano despite being an incredibly talented musician. At the time, her parents thought her sudden refusal to play was due to teenage rebellion and grew increasingly frustrated with her. When she finally told me one day that “piano is stupid,” I inquired into her sudden change in attitude. It turned out that there was a competition at school and she was so afraid of her parents’ potential disappointment if she competed and didn’t win that she had decided the easier thing to do was simply say she hated piano so she could stop playing.
In this student’s case, fear of failure had stopped her from even trying. These situations often happen when a person’s sense of self becomes tied in with their goals. However, this is a trap that can be easily avoided. The key is how you identify yourself. If your whole identity revolves around being “a good pianist” then the moment your skill takes a tumble, so do you. Instead, remember that your self-worth is not based on your abilities. In other words, you are not your skills. You are you, and your piano playing abilities is a skill you have. If you don’t succeed, there’s always a chance to keep trying. Again, develop a growth mindset and figure out a plan so you can improve. You can always make yourself another chance.
Personal Rejection
With great risks can come great rewards. However, with great risks can also come immense pain; especially when the pain is preceded by a personal rejection such as a bad date, being dumped, or getting picked last for a team. We often seem to have tremendous overreactions to such rejections because they elicit literal (albeit, emotional) pain. As a result, we get in bad moods, feel bad about ourselves, or even get angry and aggressive. Ultimately, we feel bad because our need to belong is destabilized.
The key to combating personal rejection is to regain a sense of balance. It is crucial not to become intensely self-critical, emotionally unhealthy, and psychologically self-destructive, thereby further damaging our self-esteem. Instead, do the opposite. For example, in the case of a bad date, make a list of qualities you have that are important or meaningful – reasons for others to be attracted to you. These qualities might include being a supportive person, a good listener, or a caring friend.
The point is to remind yourself of your own value. If you’re still feeling down, maybe try expanding on the qualities on your list and turning them each into a paragraph. This can help you visualize why the quality matters to others, and how you could express it in the relevant situation. That way, next time you’re in a pickle, you’ll be ready to showcase your best self! Remember, when encountering personal rejection, it’s important to boost your self-esteem, reduce your emotional pain, and build your confidence for the future.
Another way to process personal rejection is to regain a sense of emotional balance by stepping away from the cause of the pain, and taking the time to focus on something else. For example, go on a hike, or a bike ride, paint a picture, or take a friend out. The key is to do something active (so not just watch a movie!). By doing an activity, you give yourself the chance to reengage with something outside of yourself. It’s an opportunity to connect to the outside world, which in turn, restores your emotional balance and puts each rejection into perspective.
If you’re someone who handles rejection poorly, my best advice is to have a clear support system or network set up ahead of time. That way, when you encounter a rejection, you already know how you’re going to beat it! Good luck!
How do you turn rejections into a win? Comment below and let us know!
Until next time,
- C.